The UNIVERSE doesn't want you to ANTHROPOMORPHIZE it

Hi again all,

This is a very interesting mail that my good blogger friend Mick sent me, and I felt like sharing it.

But before that, just a word to the flaming idiots who call themeselves hackers and hacked my blog: You think hacking is cool? You thought putting up a blank page and deleting all my thoughts is fun? You flaming idiot from Riyad, you thought you wouldn’t leave tracks? And I was stupid enough to let you off that easily? Good luck, my friend, good luck…

Back to the conversation with the universe….

The UNIVERSE doesn’t want you to ANTHROPOMORPHIZE it

I was having breakfast this morning
(You all know how I feel about breakfast) when I heard a voice.

I know, you are all saying, oh now he is hearing voices.

So I took off my tinfoil hat and said, HUH?

And the voice said,
I want you to quit anthropomorphizing me.

Who said that? I wondered aloud.

Oh, I said, did I say that aloud?

The lady in the next booth got up and left.

The universe replied,
Yes you did, boy, now back to the subject.
I want you to stop anthropomorphizing me.
I think it belittles me and that makes me mad.

Are you God?
Are you the great Hairy Thunderer? I wondered.
People started looking at me.
Oh, shit, I said that aloud again.

Many people call me that. You could if you want.
But I want you to stop.
Stop making me seem like a human being.
Oh, pass the butter; they never put enough on the toast.

Then it said, you gunna eat all of that? You could even call me the Cosmic Muffin if you like.
The universe turned its back on me for a second and then said

Would you do me a favour?
Scratch my back, right there in the middle.
I can never quite reach it.

I still did not know where to reach out to so I scratched the wall.

NOT THERE YOU IDIOT! Shouted the universe

GOD DAMN! I shouted back.

WHAT THE FLAMING HELL IS GOING ON HERE…, shouted a couple of McDonald’s Patrons.

Oh, never mind, I will just go rub my back up against a planet somewhere.

Just then, the manager came around the corner, with that look I know oh so well.

The universe said, Watch this.

The manager tripped on his shoestring and almost fell.

Ever hear a universe chortle?
It sounds almost like a trolley car going by outside.

Which it sounded like to most of the patrons

Since there WAS a trolley car going by outside they didn’t notice that it was actually the chortling of the universe.

So, Universe, are you going to save me from being thrown out of here?

Just a minute, I have to go pee said the Universe.

Just then, it started to rain.
The manager drew closer and a cook and a janitor were with him.

I sighed.
Oh, well, it’s time to find my smelly sleeping bag
and hunt out another door frame
and see if I can get some sleep.

Putting my tinfoil hat back on,
I yelled at them on my way out
THE UNIVERSE WANTS MY EGG MCNUTTIN

I left it on the table just in case the Universe was still hungry.