About Starts, and moving ons…

Long time back, P said it would be so cool if we could restart life every time we were met with a deadlock. So cool eh? Hit the reset button, and we can start again.

I’m bad at moving on. I know. I’m bad at resolving conflicts.

I learnt that our heart has less processing capacity and RAM than our logic.

Random weird insane thoughts, you might be thinking… Especially coming from me after like two months??!!! Well…. In a way, that was yet another start and a move on. I shifted servers, and a lot of messups later, finally, I’ve restored this website successfully on the new server. It was hard making the decision to shift. It was a new beginning. And I had to move on from a lot of other technical detail.

Somehow, my life seems to be in a similar condition. I’m at a deadlock. I had hit the reset button, or sort of a ‘what has happened is happened, that’s my foundation, I follow a different route from now on’ button half a year back. And I was thoroughly enjoying the journey, filled with its ups and downs. Big ups, and big downs.

And I’m at this juncture when I don’t know what to do. What has happened, it seems, is too precious to umm let go, and move on. Perhaps thats just an illusion. Should I move on? Or should I keep at the ‘battle’ and try to win? Does winning really matter? Even if a win means hitting the target you set for yourself? Or should I scrap the whole thing, and return to the me I had scrapped to the Recycle Bin? Or maybe I should understand that what has happened has happened, and it happened for the good, and I learnt valuable lessons from them, and I should set that as a foundation, and start afresh. Like hitting the Refresh button.

But if I follow that latter of my options, well, I will end up losing every bit and inch of self respect and worth I have. I’ll be trashed not just my myself, but also by all around me. I’ll end up having wasted three years of my life. My college life would be something which I would want to forget, rather than reminiscence in a happy nostalgic way, half a century from now.

Its certainly not worth ditching it all. That much I know, and believe. I should not give on the bigger picture. Even if that means bending to all changes, and all currents trying to change me. Even if that means I exist an existence without self worth and respect and trust.

And I don’t think I have it within me to start again. I can’t can I? All over again? Sigh… And whats the guarantee I won’t mess up again, and end up in this same fricking soup?

And then there’s this stark reality, which one of the people I’m acquainted with, put forth casually in a light manner… A chance, an offer, of a new start. I can’t do it. Because I cannot leave behind what I’ve started. This me, is like a brainchild, like an experiment, of mine. But at the same time, its definitely worth the while. And I might need the start… But I’m too chicken. I think I can’t. And of course, I’m very doubtful about yet another start, after so little time.

And whats all this crap you ask? Well, honestly, I don’t know. If I did, I would have talked about it to someone. Almost anyone! But I don’t know. I think there might be one person in the world who might be able to help me. Who might know whats up, even without me telling. Who really knows me, though we never really know much about each other. Who can feel me, and help me. But that person is somewhere in the middle of Ghana right now, and will be there for the next seven months. I haven’t heard from her for a while. Wondering if I will…. So unless theres super duper uber co-incidence and she calls me…

Tough stuff. And people ask me if there’s something wrong. Is there really something wrong? How do you know if something is misplaced or disorganised if the whole damn place is messed up?

So I try to cut myself into two. Me, who keeps thinking, in the background, and who gets all the strain. That me does not surface. Its like a idle process. And the other me, who hogs the limelight. Or rather the sunlight. And the un-sunlight. Who goes on with everyday life and revels in the tiny victories, and takes the small hits. But then, at some point every day, my experiments work, and the two becomes one, and then I encapsulate into myself.

And I’m closed. If I say I’m open, I’m lying through my teeth!

Uh, chuck that last line. I’m open right now am I not, if I’ve said all what I felt like saying here?

I don’t know if I’m being defensive, but the reason I can see for my un-openness, is that people don’t have time. No time at all for someone like me to sit and talk things out. It would have helped if I said all this a while back (no, I couldnt say it here, ‘cos this site wasn’t up until today morning!). And that gets worse when I come to the stupid thought that inspite of me watching out and being there for people around me, when situations are reversed, I’m in jello. I have no supports. I turn around, and find that I’m almost all alone. Except for a few shadows…

Those might be illusions as well, by the way…

But I don’t blame anyone. If I don’t fricking have time for myself, I expect others to???!!!

Sir yes sir! (I just felt like saying that)

M asked me if it was a girl problem… Was I disappointed in love… :D Heh heh heh… Lol… That brought a laugh. Made me wonder if the so called ‘love problems’ where actually because the other person left. Looking at the symptoms, which are so acutely similar to mine, its because you’re reluctant to start again, to move on, and the self as much wounded as anyone else.

Hmmm… I just tried to save this post, and I just found out that my blog is down yet again. Hurray! Whooppeewoo!

Like M would say, Life’s cool mayn!

This is just the start… Oh did I say start! Real sorry! No other meanings meant to the word here. Start as in the start of whats bothering me. If the fricking site would start working, I could post it, and feel a teeny weeny bit better.

Sigh.

But I have to go now.

Dear reader,

One, thanks for reading, spending time. Really! I’m touched, and I really need people around me right now!

Two, I really really apologise for this horrible horrible absolutely un-humorous and personal entry. But I guess not many people, other than myself, read this blog, so its pretty fine eh?

Three, I don’t know… Just like that. I thought I would end with three. Ah! Sorry for the typos and grammatical mistakes. I’m too tired to go through the whole post and edit. And I don’t want to either - ’cos the way its put here, well thats how I feel. Period.

‘Til next time, goodbye fair mate! Oh did I say fair???!!! I meant fair as in fair-unfair, as in being good and honest and truthful, not as in fair-dark.